How to Handle Revilers

 In the first three blog posts in this series, we’ve explored the deadly sin of reviling, which involves cursing, belittling, and using abusive language toward other people.

In part 1, we saw that this behavior is evil and demonic, and that such people will burn in the lake of fire if they do not repent: “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Cor. 6:9-10).

In part 2, we saw that God’s Word especially condemns reviling spirit beings, our parents, human rulers or authorities, our spouses, our children, fellow brethren, and people in general. In this life, God’s law prescribes the death penalty for reviling many of these, in addition to the eternal destruction that awaits those who persist in such wicked behavior.

In part 3, we explored the times when harsh or insulting language may be warranted, because Jesus Christ and many of His followers occasionally used harsh language to denounce wickedness. In the rare cases such as these, harsh language must, above all, be truthful and address specific sins; its purpose is not to simply vent our own personal feelings.

But how should we deal with revilers? How should we react to someone who’s verbally abusive and hot-tempered toward us or others? In this, the fourth and final part of this series, let’s study the matter and find out!

When to Overlook

The Bible tells us many times to be gracious and merciful, to be patient with and bear with others. For example, here’s Eccl. 7:21-22: “Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others.” People sometimes speak thoughtlessly, especially if they’re just venting to someone else, and we shouldn’t take to heart everything we hear. This verse also makes the point that you have no cause to complain about being reviled if you yourself revile others! First put away your own sin.

Rather than being easily offended or provoked, we ought to live by love, for the two greatest commandments are to love our Creator and to love our fellow man (Mat. 22:37-40). The apostle Paul explains, “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:4-7).

How often is our Creator blasphemed and evil spoken of by the wicked and ungodly, yet He is still patient and merciful? “The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy” (Psa. 145:8). He desires the repentance and salvation of the wicked, not their destruction: “The Lord… is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance” (2 Pet. 3:9).

Paul reflected, “I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief” (1 Tim. 1:13). How many of us can likewise look back in awe at God’s mercy and patience with us in our ignorance and unbelief?

But what if it isn’t just a minor offense, a one-time error, or an example of careless speaking? What if someone purposely and maliciously reviles, belittles, and curses us or others? Then how should we respond?

Giving Warnings

Jesus Christ gave us a step-by-step process for dealing with evil-doers, especially evil-doers among God’s people, in Matthew 18. Here it is:

15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

16 “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’

17 “And if he refuses to hear them, tell [it] to the church [ekklesia; assembly]. But if he refuses even to hear the church [ekklesia; assembly], let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” (Mat. 18:15-17.)

This is pretty straightforward and simple. If a brother reviles and belittles you, speak to him privately. If he won’t listen, take one or two other people with you. If he still won’t, tell the congregation about his actions, that he may be publicly rebuked. “Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear” (1 Tim. 5:20).

Some such people, being wanton sinners, simply will not listen. They will not acknowledge any wrongdoing or correct their behavior, but only make excuses for it. They might even try to blame you for their angry outbursts and wicked behavior, saying things like, “it’s the only way I can get through to you”; “it’s your fault, you made me do it”; “I didn’t mean it that way”; “you just misunderstood”; “it’s not a big deal”; “you’re blowing it out of proportion”; “I never have these problems with anyone else, it’s just you”; etc. This, obviously, reveals a wicked and unrepentant heart.

Others, like King Saul, may acknowledge making mistakes or offer a half-hearted “apology” for their behavior, but never change. After being confronted by David, Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David. For I will harm you no more, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Indeed I have played the fool and erred exceedingly” (1 Sam. 26:21). But David knew that Saul wasn’t truly repentant because he bore no “fruits worthy of repentance” (Mat. 3:8). Indeed, Saul only stopped trying to kill him after David fled to the Philistines (1 Sam. 27:4).

If a reviler refuses to repent after being appropriately warned and rebuked according to Jesus’ instructions, then the next step is this: “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” Cut him off from you, in other words. Have as little to do with him as possible. If he pretends to be a fellow believer or brother, it is the congregation’s duty to cast him out of its midst.

Put Away the Evil Person

Speaking to the Corinthians regarding a man committing sexual immorality with his father’s wife, the apostle Paul wrote, “I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people” (1 Cor. 5:9). He added, quoting Deuteronomy, “Therefore ‘put away from yourselves the evil person’” (1 Cor. 5:13).

But Paul clarified that this same rule applies to many other terrible sins as well, including reviling: “But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner — not even to eat with such a person” (1 Cor. 5:11).

Other verses echo these same instructions regarding those who revile and belittle, who are hot tempered, and who sow strife and division. King Solomon wrote, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul” (Prov. 22:24-25). Again, Paul instructed Titus, “Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned” (Tit. 3:10-11).

As with all of God’s instructions, there are built-in blessings that accompany obedience. Solomon observed, “As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire, so is a contentious man to kindle strife” (Prov. 26:21). But if we separate ourselves from the wicked as God instructed, then we read, “Cast out the scoffer, and contention will leave; yes, strife and reproach will cease” (Prov. 22:10).

The blessing of peace is so wonderful that riches and wealth simply do not compare to it. In Prov. 17:1, we find, “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife.” Again, in Prov. 15:17, “Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred.” And again, in Psa. 37:16, “A little that a righteous man has is better than the riches of many wicked.”

But what if cutting off a reviler isn’t a viable option right now? What if the reviler in your life is a coworker, an employer, a sibling, a parent, or — worst of all — your own spouse? What should you do if the reviler is someone you simply have to live with and endure at this time?

What If You Can’t?

Many Bible verses describe the misery of dwelling with a spouse who continually quarrels with you, gets angry with you, and reviles you. For instance, “Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman” (Prov. 21:9; 25:24). Again, “Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman” (Prov. 21:19). And again, “A continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike; whoever restrains her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand” (Prov. 27:15-16).

Here in Prov. 27:15, the Septuagint uses the Greek loidoros (Strong’s # G3060) for “contentious.” Interestingly, it’s the same word Paul used in 1 Cor. 5:11, and it describes a reviler. “But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is… a reviler [loidoros].”

Now, although Proverbs describes the misery of dwelling with a reviling woman, it’s obvious that this applies equally to anyone. For a woman to dwell with an angry and reviling man would be just as miserable as the reverse.

But the question is, how do you deal with this? 

The first thing to remember in such a situation is not to seek revenge or return evil for evil. “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19). If your spouse reviles you, do not revile in return. Your spouse’s sins are not a license for you to sin also.

The apostle Peter taught us, “Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:8-9). He reminded us that our own Savior set the example for us: “For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: ‘Who committed no sin, nor was deceit found in His mouth’; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously” (1 Pet. 2:21-23).

Secondly, you can — and in most circumstances, should — try to speak to your spouse about this issue. This should be done with love and gentleness. The purpose is not to exact revenge or to simply vent your feelings, but to get your spouse to stop sinning. The Matthew 18 process still applies, but it must be handled with care.

Remember what God inspired Solomon to write in Prov. 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Again, “It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel” (Prov. 20:3). And the apostle Paul described how he and his fellow apostles handled mistreatment: “To this present hour we are both hungry and thirsty, and are poorly clothed, and are roughly treated, and are homeless; and we toil, working with our own hands; when we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are slandered, we try to conciliate; we have become as the scum of the world, the dregs of all things, even until now” (1 Cor. 4:11-13; NASB).

But what if, despite your entreaties, your spouse does not repent and change his or her behavior?

If your spouse professes to be a believer while committing these sins against you, then he or she may also be subject to congregational discipline, expelled from the congregation of God, and cut off from the body of Christ. “Deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus” (1 Cor. 5:5).

But for you, cutting your spouse off is not a viable option. You will still have to live with that person, at least for a time, because God’s people should not be divorced except under extreme circumstances such as sexual immorality, violence, or being deserted by an unbelieving spouse. The marriage covenant is sacred and must never be broken by one of God’s people; only the sinful spouse can break it by wantonly sinning against and violating it.

So divorce seems not to be an option in this case. Remember the example of Abigail, a godly woman who remained with her husband Nabal and continued to show love to him even in the midst of his wickedness, as we discussed last time. Remember also that there is no record of David divorcing his wife Michal, even though she reviled him.

Instead, you must be diligent to set a righteous example. You must not return “evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). Our Savior told us to show love to our enemies, and He did not exclude those in our own households or families. The desire is that the wicked spouse will be convicted by the other’s godly example and repent: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet. 3:1-2; NASB).

Above all, take the matter to God and pray about it. God delivers His people, those who put their trust in Him and wait for Him: “Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the LORD!” (Psa. 27:14). He may move your spouse to repent or, if that person utterly refuses to do so and thereby becomes an unbeliever, may cause him or her to simply depart from you. You must not try to drive an unbelieving spouse away, “but if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace” (1 Cor. 7:15). In the case of Abigail, her husband Nabal was so wicked that God simply killed him (1 Sam. 25:37-38).

All other relationships with people who may revile you — coworkers, employers, siblings, parents, adult children, etc. — are much simpler because none of them are complicated by a marriage covenant.

If you have to deal with hot-tempered and verbally abusive coworkers or employers, you may have to endure it for a time, but you can try to minimize contact. You can pray for God’s intervention, and perhaps He will cause the offender(s) to depart. Or, more likely, He may open a door for you to find a different job. Until then, you must still be diligent not to retaliate or repay evil for evil, but to follow our Savior’s example. 

If siblings or adult children revile us, we can, again, minimize contact. We do not have to speak to them any more than necessary, and we have no duty to associate with them.

As for parents, we all, as God’s people, are bound by God’s law to honor our parents. That does not mean that we need to tolerate wicked behavior, though. If you visit them and they begin to revile and verbally abuse you, you can leave and come back another time. But you must never revile in return! “For any man who revileth his father and his mother is certainly put to death; his father and his mother he hath reviled: his blood is on him” (Lev. 20:9; YLT).

Concluding Thoughts

In all matters, let us be diligent to follow our Creator’s laws and His righteous example. If people sin against us, we do not respond by sinning against them. If they revile and belittle us, we do not respond by reviling and belittling them.

If it’s a minor, one-time offense or careless speaking, then we can often simply overlook it. “Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others” (Eccl. 7:21-22).

If someone is malicious, hot-tempered, and verbally abusive, we do not repay evil for evil. Instead, we pray for them. We can and should speak to them and try to correct them. If they profess to be fellow brethren and refuse to listen to us, then we can bring the matter before the congregation. If they still refuse to repent, then they should be cast out of the congregation. Let there be no revilers among the congregations of God, for there will certainly be none in His Kingdom!

If the revilers are unbelievers, then, in most cases, we can either minimize contact or simply cut them off and have nothing to do with them. In some cases, though, we may have to deal with them and bear with them for a time. Ultimately, God will intervene and deliver us, whether it’s by moving those people to repentance, or by removing them from our lives, or by giving us a way to remove ourselves from them.

Let us conclude with our Savior’s instructions in Mat. 5:44-48:

44 "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,

45 "that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

46 "For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?

47 "And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more [than others]? Do not even the tax collectors do so?

48 "Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.”

Part 1: Are YOU a REVILER?

Part 2: Have You Reviled Any of These People?

Part 3: A Time to Revile and Curse?

Part 4: How to Handle Revilers