External Marital Threats
Protect Your Castle
Our culture grossly misunderstands marriage, and that is to be expected since marriage is a creation of God, and our culture grossly misunderstands God.
Marriage is a creation of God.
He created it, and He gets to define it, from beginning to end, and He does so in His word. If we are going to call ourselves Christians, followers of God, then naturally we must actually believe what He tells us in His word.
There’s no point in calling ourselves Christians, and it’s not even true if we are going to ignore what God says and simply redefine His word to suit our comfort and sinful lifestyles. We might as well be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that we are not really Christians at all.
You don’t have to follow God, and in fact, you can just go about your normal life without calling yourself a Christian, because if you’re not adhering to the standard, you’re not actually a Christian, much like someone who tries a specific challenge and then changes everything about it is not actually doing the challenge.
Someone who calls themselves a carnivore but then goes and eats a plate of salad with every meal is obviously not a carnivore, but as soon as we apply this same principle to the Bible, everyone gets confused.
If you’re not following God, don’t bother calling yourself a Christian.
Getting back to marriage, if we’re not willing to acknowledge and strive for the standards and rules God has set in place to make it function, then there’s no point in calling our marriage a biblical marriage. It bears little resemblance to a marriage you’d actually find in the Bible and a lot of resemblance to your standard marriage of the world.
Biblical marriage is naturally not popular because the terms of this type of marriage are die to self and live to God, which is not a popular concept. Women don’t want to hear that they have limitations and that they are supposed to obey their husbands, and men don’t want to hear that they are supposed to lead and provide for their wives, even to the expiration of their own lives.
It’s simply not popular.
Thus, there are attacks on true biblical marriage from every side, attacks on both the idea itself and also on those who are doing their best to practice marriage according to the Bible.
The worst of these attacks comes from sources closest to the marriage, and they are usually directed at the wife.
As at the beginning, the easiest way into the stronghold of marriage is through the wife, so she will be the one to come under the heaviest attack if we as men are not on the alert.
We were given the job of a warrior for a reason, and our enemies are not just in the physical realm.
Our holy mission is to stand between those who seek to do our family and our marriage harm and those who have been entrusted to our care and protection. Failure in this arena is not always the end of the world, but it will have disastrous consequences if we continue in failure.
We were given strength, courage, and wisdom to wage the war we find ourselves in daily, not for ourselves alone, but for those our mighty Father has entrusted into our care.
Our Father has bestowed on us His own precious title of Father and Husband.
We must stand against these attacks.
The enemy will come in with little whispers, attempting to undermine our stronghold, and we must be ready to stand against that. Again, these attacks are going to be the strongest against our wives.
We need to know who they are listening to, who has their ear, and what kind of instruction others, especially older women, are giving them.
The Threat of Older Women
One of the most dangerous threats to our marriages is older women with false teachings.
What kind of teachings should older women be passing on to the younger women?
Titus 2:3 NKJV - the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things--
Titus 2:4 NKJV - that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,
Titus 2:5 NKJV - [to be] discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.
If any woman is teaching other women things that go against these things, she is in rebellion against God and a teacher of heresy.
If she is teaching younger women to disobey their husbands, criticizing their husbands, encouraging younger women to go out and find a job for financial independence, and teaching them to hate their husbands and put their own needs before their husbands’, she is a teacher of the doctrine of devils.
1 Timothy 4:1 NKJV - Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons,
Doctrines of demons are any teachings that cause others to depart from God and His commands, and older women teaching such things as these are doing exactly that.
That is the very definition of causing a little one to stumble, and Jesus Himself has some very choice words for such people.
Mark 9:42 NKJV - "But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.
She is teaching women to rebel against God and their husbands, which is what we see elsewhere as the very definition of witchcraft.
1 Samuel 15:23 NKJV - For rebellion [is as] the sin of witchcraft, And stubbornness [is as] iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, He also has rejected you from [being] king."
Don’t do this!
Listening to Criticism
If anyone comes to you criticizing your spouse, do not give them your ear. Do not listen to them at all, and this is very important, even if what they are saying seems to be true.
Your spouse is not going to be perfect, and there will always be something legitimate to criticize, but if you entertain that criticism, they can mix in false criticism with the bit that’s true, and you might begin to believe it, or you’ll believe their solution to the perceived issue with your spouse.
Such criticism qualifies as gossip, which you can read more about here.
Before marriage is one thing, especially if people who legitimately care about you are warning you about dangers they see in the other person. Once you’re married, however, such criticism has no place, and it’s far too late anyway.
You should also not criticize or complain about your spouse to others.
The only words about your spouse that you speak to others should be words of praise. You women also have a responsibility to guard the stronghold of marriage, whether your husband is or not.
Your marriage is sacred, between you and your husband, not you, your mom, your best friend, and your husband.
Proverbs 31:28 NKJV - Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband [also], and he praises her:
Proverbs 31:29 NKJV - "Many daughters have done well, But you excel them all."
If they’re not doing anything praiseworthy, then don’t lie; simply say nothing at all. You don’t actually have to say anything, and you can keep your mouth shut.
If the advice someone is giving you turns you away from your spouse instead of toward them, do not listen to that advice.
If it does not build up your marriage and instead fosters dissatisfaction, do not give your ear to it.
Reject it as the poison it is.
Proverbs 16:28 NKJV - A perverse man sows strife, And a whisperer separates the best of friends.
People like this are not your friend, even if they mean well with their advice. Their words are words of poison. No matter how much you trust them, do not listen to them when they begin to criticize your spouse or, even worse, advise you that divorce might be the best option.
Unmet needs and Poor Communication = Divorce?
There is going to come a time whenyou’re going to hear a whisper in your ear that ‘unmet needs,’ ‘poor communication,’ or other vague, undefinable things are reasons to consider divorce, and it’s absolutely vital that you don’t listen because the one whispering these things is Satan.
They might insinuate that, “Do you really want to live in a marriage where your husband doesn’t communicate the best, or isn’t as present as you’d like, or isn’t meeting your 'emotional needs' that you think he should be meeting but you can’t really define?”
These words are lies from the pit of hell, the tactics of someone who hates you and your marriage, designed to destroy the very thing that stands in the enemy’s path.
There is only one mandated ‘need’ that the Bible defines in marriage, and it’s not communication, being present, or any number of other modern psychological trigger words.
It’s sex.
That’s the only emotional need listed in the Bible and explicitly framed as a mutual debt owed to one another!
Why would God mandate sex in marriage and not communication, or making sure someone feels heard, or how much time a husband has to spend with his wife?
For a very good reason, actually.
Marriage is mutual sanctification, not consumer satisfaction.
Marriage exists to produce godly offspring, and it is also part of the process of sanctification.
Marriage doesn’t exist for our own personal satisfaction, gratification, or validation!
That being said, husbands are to dwell with their wives with understanding as the weaker vessel (1 Peter 3:7), love them as Jesus loves the Church (Ephesians 5:25), and not be bitter or harsh toward them (Colossians 3:19).
None of these things is defined by the wife’s emotions, and they are absolutely defined by scripture. They are not mandated needs, and instead, they are how husbands are supposed to operate in their character toward their wives.
Understanding means knowing how her hormones affect her and acknowledging the biological, physical, and emotional realities that affect her—without excusing sin.
Loving them means seeking their highest scripturally defined good, and not being bitter toward them means not resenting them for their weakness.
These things are practiced with loving warmth and to foster growth, nourishing and cherishing her as Christ does the Church.
Everything is defined by the Bible and not by abstract feelings and emotions.
So is divorce ever an option that’s on the table?
Seldom, for any reason except for qualifying adultery or abandonment.
That’s it.
‘Unmet needs,’ feeling like this isn’t what God intended for your marriage, getting tired of your spouse, your husband not leading the way you’d like, or feeling like things are too hard, are not ever under any circumstance a valid reason to get a divorce. You can read more about the topic of divorce here link.
If you’re a wife and your marriage isn’t where you want it to be, work on yourself and how you treat your husband, and fill your role as the guardian of the inner sanctum of the castle.
If you’re a man and your marriage is not where you want it to be, then focus on doing what you’re supposed to do and shepherd your wife!
Check out this link and this link.
Divorce should not even be on the table.
Dealing With External Threats
As men and warriors, how should we deal with external threats that could destroy our marriages?
Especially if the threats are coming from brothers and sisters who are older than us, we must have respect for their age in the family. We cannot simply rebuke them as we would one of our own peers, and we are given a guide for how to do this for each familial position in 1st Timothy.
1 Timothy 5:1 NKJV - Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort [him] as a father, younger men as brothers,
1 Timothy 5:2 NKJV - older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.
The word for rebuke, here, is ἐπιπλήσσω, and this is the only place in the Bible where it is used.
ἐπιπλήσσω/ epiplesso
Rebuke, strike at
It essentially means to strike at someone with your words, so it carries a sense of harsh correction, which Paul tells Timothy is not appropriate when directed toward older men. Just as you would not rebuke your father harshly, so you shouldn’t rebuke other older men harshly either.
The principle here is that when it comes to words of correction, treat everyone as though they were your sister, brother, father, or mother.
What it doesn’t mean is don’t correct them at all; the way in which it is done is important.
The word for proper correction or instruction here is παρακαλέω.
παρακαλέω/ parakaleo
To urge strongly, appeal to, urge, exhort, encourage
Webster’s 1828 dictionary defines exhort as:
1. To incite by words or advice; to animate or urge by arguments to a good deed or to any laudable conduct or course of action.
2. To advise; to warn; to caution.
So rather than a harsh rebuke, parakaleo is urging toward a correct course of action, advising, and if necessary, issuing a warning.
We are not to beat any of the family with our words, but there are times when a rebuke is called for, and it must not be done harshly. We’ll even see Paul tell Timothy to rebuke the sinning elders in the presence of everyone, and they were almost certainly older than he was.
1 Timothy 5:19 NKJV - Do not receive an accusation against an elder except from two or three witnesses.
1 Timothy 5:20 NKJV - Those who are sinning rebuke in the presence of all, that the rest also may fear.
The word for rebuke here is ἐλέγχω, and it’s used 17 times in the New Testament.
ἐλέγχω/ elegcho
Reproof, correction
As we just saw, however, this must be done with love, which means it must not be done in a manner that would be perceived as a harsh verbal beating.
In his letter to Titus, Paul instructs him to exhort and rebuke, or, as it would be better put, exhort and correct with all authority. As we see through a careful reading, this authority is the authority of the written word of God, not an independent authority that Titus himself carries.
The only correction that carries authority is the correction that comes from sound doctrine grounded in the word of God.
Titus 2:15 NKJV - Speak these things, exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no one despise you.
Then some are outside of the faith and are seeking to subvert a household, which must be corrected sharply, or as the Lexicon puts it, severely.
Titus 1:13 NKJV - This testimony is true. Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith,
Those who are seeking to subvert our household from the outside, we as the guardians must correct them sharply and keep them away from our family. No one has the right to have access to our family, and it’s our job as the shepherd of our family to keep the wolves outside of the flock.
We absolutely can and should cut off and restrict access to those people and sources that are seeking to destroy or weaken our marriage, but caution and strategy must be used when those people or sources are blood relations.
The best way to defeat external threats is good shepherding and building a strong wall. If you have taught your wife and built a strong relationship with her, then you have a strong wall.
If you are newlyweds, however, then this is the time when you’re most vulnerable because you don’t have the years of building to rely on for the wall, and it is at this time you must be most on the lookout for intentional or unintentional wolves.
Threats to our marriage that are external must be dealt with, but the method depends on whether the threat emanates from one of the larger Family of God or a complete outsider. Our response must be appropriate and respectful toward anyone who is a brother or sister in the faith.
Conclusion
As husbands, we bear the mission of waging war on behalf of our personal family and the greater family of God, as we’ve already covered.
As wives, you have the responsibility to guard yourselves from evil influences and to follow your husbands obediently. He cannot lead and protect you if you are siding with those who seek to harm your relationship with him.
Anyone who tries to get you to violate your covenant with your husband is someone you must ignore, and if it is a female family member, you must bluntly tell them not to speak about your husband like that and that you are not interested in hearing what they have to say.
Proverbs 14:1 NKJV - The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.
Your husband needs to be able to trust that you have his back, even when he’s not around, because he can’t be there to protect you 24/7. If you are a faithful wife, you will do him good and not harm all your days, and that includes how you speak about him when he is not present.
Proverbs 31:11 NKJV - The heart of her husband safely trusts her; So he will have no lack of gain.
Proverbs 31:12 NKJV - She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.
To go one step further, a faithful wife is the crown of her husband, while a shameful wife is literally rotting in his bones.
Proverbs 12:4 NKJV - An excellent wife [is] the crown of her husband, But she who causes shame [is] like rottenness in his bones.
A wife who causes shame is so harmful that it’s like your husband literally has a disease in his bones.
If you thought your role was insignificant, think again.
Proverbs 21:9 NKJV - Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
Your faithfulness has the power to either be a crown of glory for your husband or a disease in his bones, and it may be better for him to dwell on a barren rooftop than in the house with you.
To finish up, if we think our marriage is for our own personal gratification and satisfaction, we will be sorely disappointed, and we will open it up to subversion from the enemy.
Marriage is mutual sanctification, not consumer satisfaction.
We husbands must guard our wives and families from the threats that wander about everywhere, from false teachings on social media to their own mothers and grandmothers if they whisper poisonous things in their ears.
We must be on guard because our adversary, the Devil, walks about like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, and a godly marriage is his prime target.
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